back and forth

it's been amazing how difficult it has been for me to post upon this blog (vs. my other http://www.warringcounselor.blogspot.com/). i've found that i write the most in my worst moments, rather than when i'm dreaming, hoping, praising, rejoicing...

i want for that to change.

but like any change, i don't quite know how to do it. but i'm not stopping. i refuse to stop. i'll keep fighting, even when i feel like i'm fighting alone. cause the reward is too great...my wife...my children...someday i hope, a renewed relationship with God...

so where to begin? (begin, again that is...)

where to begin...

time lapse

So recently it feels like I'm slowing down and the rest of the wold is moving so quickly around me. It's kind of like I'm wading through wet cement. It's hard to describe. I'll be in the middle of doing something and _____ . All of a sudden I'm wondering what I was doing or I'll just be zoned out in empty thoughts. It's way weird. I ate lunch the other day and just stared at the texture on the wall. It was bizarre...I knew I was staring at it, but it was kind of like I couldn't stop or at least didn't care that I was just staring at the wall. I need to find something to wake me up and get me going, but I don't know what that is. I have no idea why I wrote about this here today, but nevertheless, I did. There you have it. An exciting update on my life.

sober

Obviously, I'm not a pink/blonde female popstar, but this song hit me the first time I heard it and left me feeling exposed and vulnerable. Pink asks some damn good questions...


Sober
P!nk

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at 4 o'clock in the morning
'Cos I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Ah the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're my protection
How do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
I won't remember, save your breath, 'cos what's the use?

Ah, the night is calling?
And it whispers to me softly come and play
Ah, I am falling
And If I let myself go I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
How do I feel this good sober?

I'm coming down, coming down, coming down
Spinning 'round, spinning 'round, spinning 'round
Looking for myself - SOBER [x2]

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry, never again
Broken down in agony just tryna find a friend

Oh Oh

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
How do I feel this good sober

Oh Oh

I'm safe
Up High
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
How do I feel this good sober?

Will I ever feel this good sober?
Tell me, No no no no no pain
How do i feel this good sober?

nights like tonight

on nights like tonight
I'm thankful for redemption
cause I had nothing left
and gave what was undeserved

my boys are my world
yet I ended up screaming
they were in tears
and I desperately pleading

why don't they listen
just do what I say
I'd had enough
by the end of my day

so instead of continuing on
in my fit of rage
we all stopped





and sat down



to talk


I said I was sorry
and asked for forgiveness
they're not even 2 and 4
but it's what they deserve

they deserve my respect
and my care and my love
not my rage and frustration
when push comes to shove

so on nights like tonight
I'm thankful for redemption
that I can offer my boys
something that we all deserve

a parent who is willing
to admit when they're wrong
to apologize and love them
when they've done nothing wrong

cause they're kids who are learning
and I'm teaching them well
whether I mean to or not
they're learning quite well

so I hope that tonight
they learned when they fail
that they can redeem
their mistakes and be one who cares

though we're all quite human
too often we fail
cause we're not really willing
to face the repairs

another page

So here I go.

I'm entering this space with intention.

It's probably been a year since I've truly written anything and I think it is time to forge ahead on this continual pursuit of healing my broken heart and soul. I don't really know why I chose today as the day, this time, this space, but I have.

Broken Silence was an easy space to use...whenever I was overcome, I could write without any need for inspiration. My writings were born straight out of a moment of anguish, anger, love, lust, terror...I allowed whatever was surging through my soul to spill forth onto the page. This? This is different. Here I hope to create, not ventilate. I'm not saying that Broken Silence was bad, because it wasn't/isn't. There are many days that I still need those posts...in fact many days I probably should have posted. But it is time for something new.

I desire change. But I'm aware that change cannot occur solely by desire. I have to act. Not only do I have to be willing to continue to enter the depths of my darkness, but I have to be willing to acknowledge that I hold great light.

I have no idea what this blog will be. I certainly had a "style" of writing in Broken Silence...I don't know what that style will be here. So far, nothing like it. Time will tell.

For those of you (if any) who have read or come across my blog/writings over the years, thank your for your input and I would certainly welcome it in this new page, this new venture.